10 Signs You Need an Adulting Assistant
Have you ever thought that if your life was a job, that management should probably hire a second or even third person to get everything done? We all have our own strategies and tactics on how to cope with adulthood. We pretend we can juggle jobs, friends, families, health, personal aspirations and occasionally paying our bills; all while keeping our responsibilities from crushing that last little bit of hope out of us.
This is totally natural. Everyone does it. However, if you’ve resorted to the following adulthood coping mechanisms than you may officially need an adulting assistant.
1. You Eat Insane Combinations of Food
Not because you have pregnant-lady-style cravings, but because you can’t or won’t go grocery shopping and you’re making do so you don’t starve. (If it comes to it, peanut butter and raspberry vinaigrette sandwiches aren’t that bad.)
2. The Gym Never Stays On Your To-Do List
More times than you care to count you’ve gone through the cycle of trying to go to the gym regularly, then trying to work out at home sporadically and finally convince yourself that you can bring back ancient Greek standards of beauty. (We’ve all seen the statues, those ladies were thick and everyone was cool with it.)
3. You’ve Thought Staying Sick is Better Than Making a Doctor’s Appointment
Just because you’ve developed young rapper levels of dependency on cough syrup and whiskey so you can stop coughing long enough to sleep for a few hours doesn’t mean you should cave! If you cave you’re just going to have to deal with your insurance company next, and whiskey is just as good as the doctor, right? We've all been there, but seriously, you should probably see a doctor.
4. You’ve Considered Joining a Cult So Won't Have to Adult Alone
Whether it's a cult or some sort of commune, you wanted to join so you can have a group of people to help you cook, clean and just exist. Then you remember that you’re too poor and too much of an asshole for any cult to want to take advantage of you.
5. Most of Your Text Messages Aren't Social
Are 50% of the texts you get automated messages telling you that your takeout is on its way, to pay your bills or to pick up your prescriptions? You need an adulting assistant! The good news is you can pretend to be getting messages from friends so you don’t have to interact with the strangers around you anymore.
6. Your Inbox Count is Embarrassing
You have so many emails in your inbox that you have to hide your screen like you were watching porn whenever someone walks by. In fact, your inbox kind of makes you think of those stories about a person getting so obese that they had to be taken out of their house by a construction crane. The ones that make you question “How did it get that far? Did they make a conscious decision to give up on life or did they just sort of ignore the situation until it got out of control?”
7. You Can't Respond to Communication In A Timely Manner
Despite the crushing sense of isolation adulthood has brought, you really can’t be relied on to respond to any form of communication anymore. Your voicemail is for doctors’ offices reminding you to make appointments you’re never going to make, your parents telling you to call you back (despite the 473 times you’ve told them that a missed call tells you that), and the people who should’ve just texted. You also forget about texts, Facebook messages, gchats, etc. if they require more than a two sentence response. Even snail mail won’t work because you’re still meaning to respond to the last letter you got in 2011.
8. $$S Flies Out Of Your Pocket, Because "Free Trials"
You’ve accidentally paid for services for months to years when you just wanted to just take advantage of the first free month because your idea of managing your finances is making sure your accounts aren’t overdrawn (or calling your bank/card and asking them to remove the charge if they are). Saving is so out of reach you basically think of savings accounts like trust funds at this point.
9. Discipline is Just A Word In The Dictionary to You
You alternate between trying every time/task management tool known to man (sad sap pro tip: if you download two app blockers you can use them to block each other so your lack of willpower won’t result in you opening your app blocker and unlocking Facebook); and an attitude of “Fuck it. Humans weren’t meant to boring shit 18 hours a day. This isn’t my problem, this is adulting’s problem.”
10. There Aren't Enough Hours In the Day
You’ve never done the math but you’re pretty sure that the adulting requires more hours than there are in a day. Well, you can stop suspecting people, I did the math for this post and the amount of time I should be spending doing each adult-like task in a day leaves me with negative time left over for myself Monday-Thursday and 6.5% of my time overall for a social life, self-care, hobbies, and personal growth. So basically we were all right, and adulthood is total fucking bullshit.
The moral of this story is that adulting is actually just impossible. Don’t get discouraged though! Just keep putting off having any fun at all and ignoring how fat you’re getting in the hopes that you’ll soon make enough money to hire an adulting assistant!